Un-dying

Undoing the undone,
he doesn't fathom,
Over looking what was not ever truely seen,
eludes her vision,

And tho the flowered ground upon,
Which they sat,
Is torn,
And withered,

A new season has yet to be seen,
Felt, touched, nor,
Has he breathed,
Bits and pieces left,

Seemingly centuries since,
He had,
Or will,
And happiness is prayed upon,

Those-that he has mistaken for his own,
Collateral damage left in his wake,
Knowingly he absorbs the pain,
So no one else will feel,

And the cycle continues,
To spin away,
Like the mind he lost,
And tends to recapture,

On one of these love-lost,
and,
Lonely,
days.

Forever

Is all the days from birth,
Till,
It's the number of breaths taken,
It's the word that makes my heart hold still.

Spirit

What's coming through me is alive,
What's holding me up this time,
Can't be this mirror!
But what's singing songs,
in me?
it is a snake looking to turn this piss to wine,
They're both totally void of hate,
The serpant and the blind,
but combined they are killing me just the same,
The snake behind me hisses what my damage could have been,
My blood before me begs I open up my heart again,
And I feel this coming over like a storm begins,
considerately,
Venomous voice,
tempts me, drains me, bleeds me, leaves me cracked and empty,
Drags me down like some sweet gravity,
The snake behind me hisses what my damage could have been,
My blood before me begs I open up my heart again,
But I can't and won't allow it to,
And I feel this coming over like a storm again!!
I am too connected to you,
to slip away,
to fade away.
Days away
I still feel you
touching me,
changing me,
and considerately killing me,
Without the skin,
beneath the storm,
under these tears,
the walls came down!
And the snake is drowned,
and as I look in his eyes,
my fear begins to fade,
recalling all of those times,
I could have cried then,
I should have cried then.
And as the walls come down and as I look in your eyes my fear begins to fade recalling all of the times
I have died and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.
I am too connected to you to slip away,
to fade away.
Days away I still feel you touching me,
changing me,
and considerately killing me.

toes frosted as the wind chill blows,

Levi Jeans cuffed, wet just beyond calve,

eyes staring at a dark, restless and stirring place,

and in his mind,

thinks,

it can't hurt,

soft, wet and cold,

"But at my age, fuck, man fuck!"

a tear fights it's way from the "ear-cornered side",

of a twitching and "not of this world,

wild and dreary eye,

"Man what the fuck! Man this ain't worth a fuck!"

"It's my fault,"

"I fucked their lives up!"

with a swan-like flap

grace and all it's beauty,

flannel shirt unbuttoned,

knowing this will be his last,

road trip, journey,

 

And with the strife in his voice before he dove,

two-hundred or more feet to his slushy tomb,

not a word muttered,

at that moment he was free,

of the misery,

he had taken responsibility for,

 

Smiling life flashing before him in black

and white images,

only smiles of those he hurt,

sounds of laughter to kill the burning,

inside,

 

that he had hashed away,

deep down,

beneath the front,

of a man who wasn't bothered,

showed no emotion,

 

Even during the fateful jump!

As some old fables go,

like the ill-fated serpant,

found in an elder's crop that grew,

so are many of life's "Garden of Eden Apples",

that are bitten,

Although,

prior and unknowingly,

forbidden,

Amazingly enough,

there are stories of my own,

pain, so damn much,

along with sympathy-begging moans,

that never are returned,

So,

I stand alone now,

as I did in the beginning,

and will in my end,

as we all will,

I, alone, will answer, atone,

for all of my decisions,

made from within,

this life I've known,

But I pray that those,

I've failed,

May have it within,

theirselves,

to forgive,

a man who is merely human,

as hard as that seems for some to understand,

I've never intended to hurt anyone,

especially those I love,

nor anyone,

nights contemplated with one bullet,

one gun,

Still I cannot help but focus on love and compassion,

companionship needs passion,

and today is the life we live in,

fucked up rules, laws, morals and other's,

pig-headed opinions,

Directly affect and depict how the only life,

I've been given,

bitter, short, but sweet, 

is supposed to be ended,

So, with GOD in my heart,

Christian beliefs to my core,

MY LORD!!!!!!

C'MON MAN!!

It's YOU! The SON who died for all,

of us,

So that our sins would be forgiven,

I won't believe that you do not condone,

LOVE! The only fruit without bitterness,

handed down from a devine intervention,

Sweet love that some never touch,

never see, feel much less taste,

And the love that is and was vowed,

before your glory,

not once, but in my account twice,

this is my story,

which I am not afraid to say,

But what about the love not vowed,

yet forbidden, forgotten, others throw rocks at,

because of it's mixture,

undertones, and why we ought not,

Putting ink to a pad,

not done quite often,

has me feeling confused and scared,

two things I don't know much of,

or maybe just forgotten

My heart engorged, swollen with new blood,

only created by this "unvowed" love,

palpatating,

still from a close encounter with the forbidden fruit,

Who's appearance is grand,

on the outer shell,

all that glitters is gold and glows,

Cinnamon and sweet,

Curled my toes,

Candy to my tongue,

is sweet to my taste,

but within an angel,

this too is wrong and can't be the case,

despite the real and true feelings,

Her core is shook,

a different mask worn,

defensive perspectives,

each occassion she doesn't know,

Fragile flower,

bloomed in the middle of an open field,

sun shine down,

give her all your attention,

the unknown, unvowed flower,

sprouting ground,

just wanting to see what unfolds,

wild flower,

which is too afraid to bud,

who'd rather stay enclosed,

tightly in a dark and scary place,

where no one would see the beauty unfold,

Yet, I, the sun, tears in my eyes,

wanting this most beautiful flower not to miss,

the most important parts of life,

to just stretch out, endure, open her eyes,

take it all in,

cry, and that's okay,

As long as she's not afraid of change,

and although my hand is outstretched,

I cannot promise her clasp,

to help her growth,

nor can her pedals ensure,

the love I'll never feel,

as the fable goes,

un-ending battle between two natural forces,

I know care about one another,

but that egotistical poison already has entered,

both the sun and the flower's,

beautiful veins,

melloncholly for what could have been but never truely was.

I'll always be here baby,

never once do you cry now,

ill-fated memories,

from a deflated time,

We all are kindred souls,

traveling thru one world,

at a time,

connecting to energy,

that pulls us together,

Simple thoughts of love and joy,

the basic formula for the life we all want,

but to grasp,

hold on,

to what we feel from the start,

Not so easy now, (if you think about it)

as the days drearily depart,

we look up and see a rain cloud,

and forget that the sun is behind it,

to dry all the tears,

struggles,

strife,

until we hold on to or till we see it finally,

and,

can start to hear,

the re-kindling, the re-start of the beating,

of the same hearts,

that started this whole thing,

tenderly, with bliss,

stronger,

without glitch,

we will never depart again.

loose-lipped, lingering lies,

the torrential triumphs,

from some weak, twisted up and slow to die,

bastard,

cinnamon and sugary cries,

those weak, "Man I'm sorry, dog I tried",

but from a man of perseverance,

just notching my pad,

my thoughts that steer,

never forgotten,

hidden in a place,

in the back of the mind,

almost forgotten,

until the time,

to reap what was sowed,

pure and rotten,

uprooting the scare-crows,

from my beautiful garden.

One not Three!

I've heard many times in my years,if a man is lucky,he'll have three good women to bless his cheer,But, after ponder and thought and many of beers,I've come to one idea,What is the significance in the number "3",When it's only one who will hold on to the end,So to re-write the old saying,or call it a "para-phrase",a man is blessed beyond his years,if one woman will put up with his ways,I myself have known only one,and that's a fact I know sincere,one who has not only my back,but has proven she has endless tears,I am unworthy of the love,that she pours so much of on me,but I would be the most stubborn guy,if I would not always be thirsty for it,So may the heavens shine down on her,and heal the wounds she's endured,the deepest have been caused from carelessness,from a man who she stands beside and loves.

dream

In a dream I saw an angel,

yes, I saw a real angel,

in dream-land where nothing seems real,

I saw a real angel,

It was not in the sight of this beautiful being,

that was my bliss,

it was that of what she spoke of,

and my wanting of her kiss,

Complete innocense surrounded her,

although a sense of misfortune followed,

as if she had lived many lives before,

and she dwelled in a place of prosper,

Her words are not remembered,

but the message is quite understood,

in order to move on to the next life,

there are certain things one must do good,

Love, Live, Laugh and never Lack,

Help & Home, without hender,

and do not give guilt your name,

own up for the wrongs in your life,

For they happen to one and all,

most importantly, it seems she portrayed,

is how one takes their fall,

from grace to black, from the bottomless pit,

back to the grace of God,

What struck me most, I mean most of all,

was her imperfection as she floated above,

robed, shining, for sure of God,

and as I woke this morn' and stretched and yawned,

I looked around at what i could see,

and imperfect man in the mirror,

who so gallantly wants to be,

lesson learned from this dream,

Is the biggest mistake man can make,

is to shoot for a perfected life,

God sent his only begotton son,

who shed HIS BLOOD,

So all our sins would be absolved.

Amen

ABYSS

To love is to be free of solitude,

To love is to set yourself up for the fall,

To love is to open one's heart,

with all,

he who loves learns the price or the toll,

between a rock and a hard-place,

is where I find myself at this point in my life,

sanctity found only because I've been here before,

shed blood, crushed souls, burnt memories and strife,

hurting all who have loved me,

I ALWAYS SEE THE DISAPPOINTMENT 

a woman that unknowingly saved my life,

against the odds I opened my heart,

with full awareness that I would deal with this night,

but wouldn't change it for the world, not even one part,

feeling cold and alone,

betrayed and unknown,

during the prime of my life,

over night, I soon will take that plane,

to that place I've thought of,

one way flight,

paradise, freedom, and where I'll KNOW,

I am loved,

And if it's the place I've been told of,

if it really exists,

I'll be high as a monkey,

in a tree, 

somewhere beyond the abyss.

mom

Mom,
when did you know me?
Was I a thought that whispered in your ear long ago?
Like that first, fall-breeze that blew your pettycoat.
Or,
Maybe it was after sister was born,
You may have came up with my name within the 35 month difference between us,
Your story says that she wanted to name me Johnny Cash.
Did you pick my name being a bit more conservative?
I thought of you before GOD gave me another go at it.
I picked you MOM!
So,
What is your favorite color?
I will guess and say blue.
Because you gave this boy everything needed to become a man.
But,
Baseballs and bruises,
Each with memories.
Maybe your favorite color is pink,
and if it is,
I will give you both eyes,
And the swollen tissue which incapsulates each,
For you have given everything,
To me,
And still look upon me as your child,
Love has no boundaries,
No limits,
Unconditionally I owe you my all.
You, the greatest of moms.

Dear Dad

Dad,

I wish I knew your favorite color,

The only one of God's many crayons that gets you to sit up straighter.

To unbraid your spine from a snake infested pirogue',

I bet its red.

like a sea I've never seen

But hear quite often in your voice late at night

If it is, I will strip my skin off my body.

Bare crimson flesh.

I'm sure that you'd look at me more often

If I was the color that makes you smile,

maybe make you proud,

just one time,

But maybe it's black

A bayou shade that can only be achieved by swallowing the murkiest swamp,

 

 I will drown in Bear Bayou,

where we used to fish,

for a kiss on my corpse cheek,

Because I often forget you have lips,

Only reminded when the moon gets home before I do,

They bite.

Sting like thunderclaps And you are oblivious to this.

Tell me it's brown,

 I will have no problem with ripping out these weak strands of hair

And stitching them to the left side of your chest

 So you can feel your pulse in my chest hair.

Except I know you were never one to wade in the dark.

That leaves white as my next option.

 If this is in fact your favorite color I will be forced to Novocain myself speechless.

Pull my teeth one by one out of my mouth and into my palm

 Fist full of smiles that I usually only bless silence with,

 I have a high tolerance for pain

So masochism wouldnt be my objective,

 

You love on a grayscale.

 Like a schizophrenic paraplegic

Is it because your 2 siblings stripped the rainbow from your throat.

 Each draining 2-3 different colors from the sky in your sound.

 A shaky squeak left in a scraped up voice box I can barely hear.

 I want you to know

That there is human, real flesh lining the insides of my elbows

So hug me, Dad.

Pretend that you like me long enough to capture the color in my flesh.

 Suffocate me,

 Caved in shoulders and a rising chest,

Squeeze the life out of me so that you can see rainbows again

 Don't see it as a homicide

 But a sacrifice for the greater good.  

 I know that now you probably think I'm crazy,

That this is just another one of my phase down-falls, 

But I'm not crazy, Dad.

 Humans just have crazy tendencies when we want someone to love us.

I want you to stop living in black and white images.

Pay close attention to the movement in your children's pigment.

 Maybe that way, you'll finally see that the both of us are in fact your favorite color.

into the time I haven't seen,
heard, felt,
dreamed,
a tear burns my skin,
for each second lost,
everything,
re-capturing,
what means the most,
to me.

mine

love, the nostalgia left after the fire burns,
to smouldering embers,
tears, the words thought to say,
after the wrong ones are said,
the one who truely cares,
taboo,
in a life of which my soul is bared,
no one seems to enter,
so unprepared,
and in my haste,
I conquer all good,
as if it were all mine,
to taste.

If nothing changes,
nothing ever will,
morals and laws obscure our vision,
stopping the soul from being free,
to me,
it's comparable to a head on collision,
the notion of right and wrong,
off of another's opinion,
life is sweet,
filled with heart wrenching moments,
that you feel,
attention in your intuition,
good times,
tattoo ink sinking.

YOU

don't even think about reaching me,
cause I won't be home,
don't even think about stopping by,
don't think of me at all,

I did what I had to do,
if there was a reason it was you,


don't even think about getting inside,
voices in my head,
voices,
I've got scratches all over my arms,
one for each day since I fell apart,

I did what I did but it was cause of you,
I heard steps in the hall and it was you,
pictures on my lips and it was you,

I did what I had to do,
and if there was a reason,
there wasn't no fuckin reason,
and if there is something you'd like to do, well,
let me continue to blame you,

I know it was your smell on my pillow,
your lips I tasted and your tears I cried,
and all I did I did for you.

kindred soul

years I've traveled down this desolate road,
pushed away,
wanting to find the one,
the one who doesn't hate me,
the one who doesn't use me,
just for a moment I can breathe,
to think of the kindred spirit,
who travels along,
side of me,
unknowing that I am there,
and I unknowing of it,
complete trust, honor, thoughts, love,
that will not diminish over short years,
my thoughts stay with this unknown,
as they fall on deaf ears,
complete me,
feel me,
our hands clasped,
wet, kiss, soft, touch,
tingle down my spine,
trembling tears tear through,
dissolving what I call new,
and never will.

Wake

psychedelic dreams his escape,
but I chase them away,
for a life again,
wake and feel pain of self inflicted decisions,
alarm screams out my name,
WAKE!,
wake the demons inside my head,
I begin my life again,
prick, lava-lamp-like solution drawn back,
with a HUSHH! my eyes roll,
back into my head,
and only for that day,
dressed as a butterfly to camoflauge,
hoping to conceal wounds,
but venom is inside and all is new,
crossed his line,
he floats like a butterfly,
catching himself with trembling hands,
everything about me is fragile,
no complaints,
scar tissue, resides, builds,
till the day all pain stops.

when a man steps out of a woman's life (Good woman)

 

woman - You may not have realized it yet,

but I am a woman, therefore;

 I am enchanting

 It happened before you were born

 I dance choreographed waltz with the universe.

 I was very much a part of the original design.

man - once I was born I worshipped you.

 Called you goddess, sang praises,

you were my world.

woman - I yielded my body as your playground.

you were so young then, mischievously playing in my puddles.

 I called them oceans.

 staying safe in your jungle gyms and desert sandboxes

Until you grew older and carved vulgarities into my bones

man - Father taught me that everything female is less than male,

 that she is a commodity, A piece of meat, a patch of soil,

 I was just doing what I was taught

So i knocked out her teeth and used them as white picket fences I am rage,

I am war

woman - Man is to blame for the expulsion from The Garden of Eden

I am a woman defiled shoreline mascara stencils my face ugly

man -  I have robbed you,

woman - drill me for all that I possess cut down my trees,

 and still push against the trunk of my spine,

man - i thrust glorious,

 everywhere triumphant she cries like hysterical city laughter

 I have dominion over her Body will and testament

woman - You don't even look at me.

 Your obsessed with Industrial landscapes like my hills aren't enough.

These curves never satisfy your aesthetics

man - This suppression writes itself on my knuckles

her heart swings like a broken birds wing

I pay no attention to her changing body These scars tattoo her as highways- but I refuse to walk So I use her

She never says no

woman - {I never say no} But I know he sees the misery written in my body stooping beneath the weight of my machines

Palms bulldoze my body limp and lifeless. i am his rode kill. his sky smothered in smog

 

then complains when I'm pale.

You dig out my earth until I am desertified, And empty.

You tell me I'm not the same woman you married like it's my fault

man - Cheating on her has always been about muffling the power of her core,

dancing hurricane warfare around fault lines her volcano belly butterflies are about to erupt these divorce papers are apocalyptic, I know this, but I still chase profit

woman - If you're at all interested,

 I've begun to name the effects of this abuse like countries

You can catch it on the news.

 Cause I am shaking...Haiti,

 drowning New York in sulfur tears,

 my tidal tongue swallows Tibet,

the blood around Louisiana has grown black.

This hatred you've infused scorches Zimbabwe's forests DAILY.  

man - Go ahead, bitch, scream lets hear you challenge the integrity of my cities with your wind how powerful are you really?

 

woman - If you're at all intested

I'm changing form, this process is unstoppable I will smash you, end you, If i sign these divorce papers

And I am your- destruction. But I will rebuild. Cause what you didn't know, my greatest mistake, what I forgot to tell you, is I am the uproar of oppressed nations. And a revolution is long overdue. Let a man step out on his woman and watch the earth....quake

Dear Dad

Dad,

I wish I knew your favorite color,

The only one of God's many crayons that gets you to sit up straighter.

To unbraid your spine from a snake infested pirogue',

I bet its red.

like a sea I've never seen

But here quite often in your voice late at night

If it is, I will strip my skin off my body.

Bare crimson flesh.

I'm sure that you'd look at me more often

If I was the color that makes you smile,

maybe make you proud,

just one time,

But maybe it's black

A bayou shade that can only be achieved by swallowing the murkiest swamp,

 

 I will drown in Bear Bayou,

where we used to fish,

for a kiss on my corpse cheek,

Because I often forget you have lips,

Only reminded when the moon gets home before I do,

They bite.

Sting like thunderclaps And you are oblivious to this.

Tell me it's brown,

 I will have no problem with ripping out these weak strands of hair

And stitching them to the left side of your chest

 So you can feel your pulse in my chest hair.

Except I know you were never one to wade in the dark.

That leaves white as my next option.

 If this is in fact your favorite color I will be forced to Novocain myself speechless.

Pull my teeth one by one out of my mouth and into my palm

 Fist full of smiles that I usually only bless silence with,

 I have a high tolerance for pain

So masochism wouldnt be my objective,

 

You love on a grayscale.

 Like a schizophrenic paraplegic

Is it because your 2 siblings stripped the rainbow from your throat.

 Each draining 2-3 different colors from the sky in your sound.

 A shaky squeak left in a scraped up voice box I can barely hear.

 I want you to know

That there is human, real flesh lining the insides of my elbows

So hug me, Dad.

Pretend that you like me long enough to capture the color in my flesh.

 Suffocate me,

 Caved in shoulders and a rising chest,

Squeeze the life out of me so that you can see rainbows again

 Don't see it as a homicide

 But a sacrifice for the greater good.  

 I know that now you probably think I'm crazy,

That this is just another one of my phase down-falls, 

But I'm not crazy, Dad.

 Humans just have crazy tendencies when we want someone to love us.

I want you to stop living in black and white images.

Pay close attention to the movement in your children's pigment.

 Maybe that way, you'll finally see that the both of us are in fact your favorite color.

child to adolescent (Can you remember)

can you remember as a young child,

how simple things were,

saturday mornings my body felt like

a locomotive,

soon thereafter,

came soft lip first kisses,

finger tips entered,

button fly's werent' zippered,

never touched,

cept' those few wonderful wicked gardens,

at midnight,

where we ventured with steady hands,

broken hearts, bleed deep,

they heal,

where ever that may have been,

under star lit sky, camp fire,

naked bodies lay in the back,

of my 79',

trippin' billies, bon fires,

beer and boon farm wine,

and,

where exactly was it where we crossed that line,

where we couldn't spend the afternoon,

at your place nor mine?

and what could have been wonders my mind,

like wild mustangs roamed,

and crystal water creeks shined,

full moon high,

leaves rustled, no cried,

as they fell as the wind pushed them from their vines,

as we all fall one day,

merely a matter of time,

one life, one love, make it yours not mine,

love hard, beloved of mine,

all mine,

soul mates we are now and still be till the end of time.

Ali

soft skin, green eyes, dirty-blonde hair,
that's what my eyes see at first glance,
light distorted as my eyes adjust and,
a golden beam of Sun's ray,
finds a path thru my vaneesian blind,
enhancing the bangs that sweep across her brow,
all she knows now is joy,
she knows nothing wrong,
she knows not of deceit, murder, crime,
nothing of drugs, vengeance, none of that crap,
I will make sure this time,
I protect her from what is outside,
of this bedroom, this morning,
THIS TIME!
staring at God and my creation,
I thank God for not being blind,
grateful for everything,
including the bad in my life,
for God has blessed me with three beautiful children,
and one-awesome wife.

Mother Earth

I am a mother,

all of my creations are distinct,

serving purposes,

green, white, black, red, brown, yellow,

the list goes on,

some strong and some weak,

from the beginning of time,

my body steadily evolves,

But,

for what?

I am dying,

always giving,

never taking,

But my children take and take,

all they can while I'm living in never never land,

for if my body dies,

all of my children will the same,

what the hell do they think?

like vampires,

slurpping and sucking all the life out,

 

indulginance and gluttony,

 

we can change,

today,

to ensure a beautiful,

tomorrow,

for all the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers,

me's, I's, and everything,

between.

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ONE

One

This isn't getting better?

or,

Is it just the same?

Would it make it easier on you?

If you had someone to blame?

One love,

One life,

One heart,

One voice in the night,

One,

we will get to share it,

but it'll leave you,

if you don't care for it,

Did I disappoint you?

Leave a bad taste in your mouth?

You act as if you've never had it,

and you want me to go without,

Guess it's too late,

tonight?

To drag our past out in the light,

We're one,

But, we're not the same,

we just carry each other,

One,

Did you come here for forgiveness?

Or did you come to raise the dead?

Did you come here to play Jesus?

To cure all the leppers in your head?

Did I ask too much?

More than a lot?

You gave me nothing,

and that's more than I got,

We hurt each other,

and we'll do it again,

But, you say love is the answer,

Love is the temple,

Love is the high, alone,

You asked me to enter your temple,

then you make me crawl,

But, I can't keep holding on to what you got,

when all you got is hurt.