If nothing changes,
nothing ever will,
morals and laws obscure our vision,
stopping the soul from being free,
to me,
it's comparable to a head on collision,
the notion of right and wrong,
off of another's opinion,
life is sweet,
filled with heart wrenching moments,
that you feel,
attention in your intuition,
good times,
tattoo ink sinking.

YOU

don't even think about reaching me,
cause I won't be home,
don't even think about stopping by,
don't think of me at all,

I did what I had to do,
if there was a reason it was you,


don't even think about getting inside,
voices in my head,
voices,
I've got scratches all over my arms,
one for each day since I fell apart,

I did what I did but it was cause of you,
I heard steps in the hall and it was you,
pictures on my lips and it was you,

I did what I had to do,
and if there was a reason,
there wasn't no fuckin reason,
and if there is something you'd like to do, well,
let me continue to blame you,

I know it was your smell on my pillow,
your lips I tasted and your tears I cried,
and all I did I did for you.

kindred soul

years I've traveled down this desolate road,
pushed away,
wanting to find the one,
the one who doesn't hate me,
the one who doesn't use me,
just for a moment I can breathe,
to think of the kindred spirit,
who travels along,
side of me,
unknowing that I am there,
and I unknowing of it,
complete trust, honor, thoughts, love,
that will not diminish over short years,
my thoughts stay with this unknown,
as they fall on deaf ears,
complete me,
feel me,
our hands clasped,
wet, kiss, soft, touch,
tingle down my spine,
trembling tears tear through,
dissolving what I call new,
and never will.

Wake

psychedelic dreams his escape,
but I chase them away,
for a life again,
wake and feel pain of self inflicted decisions,
alarm screams out my name,
WAKE!,
wake the demons inside my head,
I begin my life again,
prick, lava-lamp-like solution drawn back,
with a HUSHH! my eyes roll,
back into my head,
and only for that day,
dressed as a butterfly to camoflauge,
hoping to conceal wounds,
but venom is inside and all is new,
crossed his line,
he floats like a butterfly,
catching himself with trembling hands,
everything about me is fragile,
no complaints,
scar tissue, resides, builds,
till the day all pain stops.

when a man steps out of a woman's life (Good woman)

 

woman - You may not have realized it yet,

but I am a woman, therefore;

 I am enchanting

 It happened before you were born

 I dance choreographed waltz with the universe.

 I was very much a part of the original design.

man - once I was born I worshipped you.

 Called you goddess, sang praises,

you were my world.

woman - I yielded my body as your playground.

you were so young then, mischievously playing in my puddles.

 I called them oceans.

 staying safe in your jungle gyms and desert sandboxes

Until you grew older and carved vulgarities into my bones

man - Father taught me that everything female is less than male,

 that she is a commodity, A piece of meat, a patch of soil,

 I was just doing what I was taught

So i knocked out her teeth and used them as white picket fences I am rage,

I am war

woman - Man is to blame for the expulsion from The Garden of Eden

I am a woman defiled shoreline mascara stencils my face ugly

man -  I have robbed you,

woman - drill me for all that I possess cut down my trees,

 and still push against the trunk of my spine,

man - i thrust glorious,

 everywhere triumphant she cries like hysterical city laughter

 I have dominion over her Body will and testament

woman - You don't even look at me.

 Your obsessed with Industrial landscapes like my hills aren't enough.

These curves never satisfy your aesthetics

man - This suppression writes itself on my knuckles

her heart swings like a broken birds wing

I pay no attention to her changing body These scars tattoo her as highways- but I refuse to walk So I use her

She never says no

woman - {I never say no} But I know he sees the misery written in my body stooping beneath the weight of my machines

Palms bulldoze my body limp and lifeless. i am his rode kill. his sky smothered in smog

 

then complains when I'm pale.

You dig out my earth until I am desertified, And empty.

You tell me I'm not the same woman you married like it's my fault

man - Cheating on her has always been about muffling the power of her core,

dancing hurricane warfare around fault lines her volcano belly butterflies are about to erupt these divorce papers are apocalyptic, I know this, but I still chase profit

woman - If you're at all interested,

 I've begun to name the effects of this abuse like countries

You can catch it on the news.

 Cause I am shaking...Haiti,

 drowning New York in sulfur tears,

 my tidal tongue swallows Tibet,

the blood around Louisiana has grown black.

This hatred you've infused scorches Zimbabwe's forests DAILY.  

man - Go ahead, bitch, scream lets hear you challenge the integrity of my cities with your wind how powerful are you really?

 

woman - If you're at all intested

I'm changing form, this process is unstoppable I will smash you, end you, If i sign these divorce papers

And I am your- destruction. But I will rebuild. Cause what you didn't know, my greatest mistake, what I forgot to tell you, is I am the uproar of oppressed nations. And a revolution is long overdue. Let a man step out on his woman and watch the earth....quake

Dear Dad

Dad,

I wish I knew your favorite color,

The only one of God's many crayons that gets you to sit up straighter.

To unbraid your spine from a snake infested pirogue',

I bet its red.

like a sea I've never seen

But here quite often in your voice late at night

If it is, I will strip my skin off my body.

Bare crimson flesh.

I'm sure that you'd look at me more often

If I was the color that makes you smile,

maybe make you proud,

just one time,

But maybe it's black

A bayou shade that can only be achieved by swallowing the murkiest swamp,

 

 I will drown in Bear Bayou,

where we used to fish,

for a kiss on my corpse cheek,

Because I often forget you have lips,

Only reminded when the moon gets home before I do,

They bite.

Sting like thunderclaps And you are oblivious to this.

Tell me it's brown,

 I will have no problem with ripping out these weak strands of hair

And stitching them to the left side of your chest

 So you can feel your pulse in my chest hair.

Except I know you were never one to wade in the dark.

That leaves white as my next option.

 If this is in fact your favorite color I will be forced to Novocain myself speechless.

Pull my teeth one by one out of my mouth and into my palm

 Fist full of smiles that I usually only bless silence with,

 I have a high tolerance for pain

So masochism wouldnt be my objective,

 

You love on a grayscale.

 Like a schizophrenic paraplegic

Is it because your 2 siblings stripped the rainbow from your throat.

 Each draining 2-3 different colors from the sky in your sound.

 A shaky squeak left in a scraped up voice box I can barely hear.

 I want you to know

That there is human, real flesh lining the insides of my elbows

So hug me, Dad.

Pretend that you like me long enough to capture the color in my flesh.

 Suffocate me,

 Caved in shoulders and a rising chest,

Squeeze the life out of me so that you can see rainbows again

 Don't see it as a homicide

 But a sacrifice for the greater good.  

 I know that now you probably think I'm crazy,

That this is just another one of my phase down-falls, 

But I'm not crazy, Dad.

 Humans just have crazy tendencies when we want someone to love us.

I want you to stop living in black and white images.

Pay close attention to the movement in your children's pigment.

 Maybe that way, you'll finally see that the both of us are in fact your favorite color.

child to adolescent (Can you remember)

can you remember as a young child,

how simple things were,

saturday mornings my body felt like

a locomotive,

soon thereafter,

came soft lip first kisses,

finger tips entered,

button fly's werent' zippered,

never touched,

cept' those few wonderful wicked gardens,

at midnight,

where we ventured with steady hands,

broken hearts, bleed deep,

they heal,

where ever that may have been,

under star lit sky, camp fire,

naked bodies lay in the back,

of my 79',

trippin' billies, bon fires,

beer and boon farm wine,

and,

where exactly was it where we crossed that line,

where we couldn't spend the afternoon,

at your place nor mine?

and what could have been wonders my mind,

like wild mustangs roamed,

and crystal water creeks shined,

full moon high,

leaves rustled, no cried,

as they fell as the wind pushed them from their vines,

as we all fall one day,

merely a matter of time,

one life, one love, make it yours not mine,

love hard, beloved of mine,

all mine,

soul mates we are now and still be till the end of time.

Ali

soft skin, green eyes, dirty-blonde hair,
that's what my eyes see at first glance,
light distorted as my eyes adjust and,
a golden beam of Sun's ray,
finds a path thru my vaneesian blind,
enhancing the bangs that sweep across her brow,
all she knows now is joy,
she knows nothing wrong,
she knows not of deceit, murder, crime,
nothing of drugs, vengeance, none of that crap,
I will make sure this time,
I protect her from what is outside,
of this bedroom, this morning,
THIS TIME!
staring at God and my creation,
I thank God for not being blind,
grateful for everything,
including the bad in my life,
for God has blessed me with three beautiful children,
and one-awesome wife.

Mother Earth

I am a mother,

all of my creations are distinct,

serving purposes,

green, white, black, red, brown, yellow,

the list goes on,

some strong and some weak,

from the beginning of time,

my body steadily evolves,

But,

for what?

I am dying,

always giving,

never taking,

But my children take and take,

all they can while I'm living in never never land,

for if my body dies,

all of my children will the same,

what the hell do they think?

like vampires,

slurpping and sucking all the life out,

 

indulginance and gluttony,

 

we can change,

today,

to ensure a beautiful,

tomorrow,

for all the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers,

me's, I's, and everything,

between.

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ONE

One

This isn't getting better?

or,

Is it just the same?

Would it make it easier on you?

If you had someone to blame?

One love,

One life,

One heart,

One voice in the night,

One,

we will get to share it,

but it'll leave you,

if you don't care for it,

Did I disappoint you?

Leave a bad taste in your mouth?

You act as if you've never had it,

and you want me to go without,

Guess it's too late,

tonight?

To drag our past out in the light,

We're one,

But, we're not the same,

we just carry each other,

One,

Did you come here for forgiveness?

Or did you come to raise the dead?

Did you come here to play Jesus?

To cure all the leppers in your head?

Did I ask too much?

More than a lot?

You gave me nothing,

and that's more than I got,

We hurt each other,

and we'll do it again,

But, you say love is the answer,

Love is the temple,

Love is the high, alone,

You asked me to enter your temple,

then you make me crawl,

But, I can't keep holding on to what you got,

when all you got is hurt.

ADDICTION IS DISBURDENING

ADDICTION IS DISBURDENING

Addiction as Disburdening

What addiction distracts me from is my own life. In such distraction, it relieves me of the burden of that life; of actually having to live it out, with all the uncertainty, boredom, routine, frustration, and disappointment that so often characterize even the most fortunate life. Most especially, addiction relieves me of the need to keep on searching for meaning in my life, the need to give my own life meaning through commitment, dedication, and daily perseverance. Thanks to my addiction, the search is over. I no longer have to give my own life meaning. Because my addiction is the meaning, my addiction gives it meaning.
Practicing an addiction becomes an all-consuming activity. The time involved in actually taking the drug or engaging in the addictive behavior is only a small part of the total time devoted to the addiction. Time spent securing the supply of the drug or the opportunity to act out some behavioral compulsion, time spent planning to use or act out, time spent arranging all of the trappings and rituals one has built into using the drug or performing the action-time spent on these and all the other activities that go with the addiction must also be taken into account. When they are it is easy to see how the addict's addiction can come to fill up the entirety of the addict's life, squeezing out all else.

Life ceases to be a burden once one turns it over to one's addiction. It ceases to require decisions, since all decisions have already been made. All that's left to do is to carry out, over and over and over again, the same ritualized behaviors, leading to the same, ritualized results. The addiction now lives one's life for one, disburdening one of it.

IN A GRIM PARODY OF THE SLOGAN "ONE DAY AT AT A TIME" THE ADDICT'S LIFE GOES ON IN THAT  FASHION LONG AFTER  ALL THE LIFE HAS BEEN DRAINED OUT OF IT.

Virginia, Bob and Maya

What's understood, need not be explained! “I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” 

 "Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." 

  "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." 

Mon 9/3/2012 11:25 PM

picture wall

how does the love continue,

gaze upon decade old framed times,

sparkles in eyes and shine in smile,

pictures do not capture decline of why,

pot-shots only cannot depict the truth,

but confuse what should be understood,

wall of pictures tell me please,

stop the lies, smiles,

capture real time,

good and bad,

paint a portrait of the life at hand.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Jason been 3 years since you left us kid!

where are you,
lost in amber sky,
do you continue to accompany,
me?
what happened that night?
misunderstood,
nonetheless,
it had to be your heart,
that continued the beating in my chest.
pain brought new,
family I never knew,
alarm clock wake,
since it's you who,
makes it do what it do.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

brother

closing in the face I hide,
God I paint the sky,
with so much shade for my life,
while some will say I've lost my mind,
Brother try to talk to my,
you were always so very far away,
I know that pain,
so don't run away like you used to do,
close in the vase of wine,
bloody by the torn design,
with leaves falling because the hand is pulling,
up on us again,
Brother you were always so far away,
I know that pain,
And I won't run away like I used to do,
pictures in the box,
yellow wings, green with mold,
so I can barely see your face,
wonder how that color taste,
cause you and I were so far away,
but I know the way,
so don't run,
away,
like we used to.